[Editor: This poem, by an anonymous poet (known only as “A”), was published in The Age (Melbourne, Vic.), 12 June 1855. The poem was written regarding a ball held at Government House (Toorak, Victoria), by the Governor (Sir Charles Hotham), to celebrate the birthday of Queen Victoria (born 24 May 1819); the poet gives a scathing review of the event.]
The Lament of the Screw-Tator.
’Twas a horrible night, the moon shone no light
On the eve of Her Majesty’s birth,
No concert or Ball, in fact nothing at all,
To give cheer to our Queenly prized earth;
Except one at Toorak, by a Government hack,
Representing Her Highness the Queen,
So that early and late, might be seen high and great,
Preparing for sport so serene.
In country and schools, you can always find fools,
(And I child-like chanced to be one),
Who filled with delight at some beautiful sight,
Got ready (I find to be done).
Reached Toorak at ten, had to turn back again —
The Ball was not opened so soon;
Waited, chilly and cold (more fool I to be sold),
’Till the music glowed forth its sweet tune.
We hastened within, ranged ourselves neat and trim,
The place being small and compact,
’Till the tune for a dance, made us quickly advance,
Too quick, for I found we were packed;
All went off pretty well, until supper’s sweet bell,
Made Sir Charles turn away from my view;
Impatient he sat, turning this way and that,
Like a something I can’t call a screw.
The supper all spread, our partners we led,
Like heroes who wait a campaign;
The beef, ducks, and pies, caught our too longing eyes,
And bottles for flowing champagne.
Wedged up like a nail, sat I hungry and pale,
My appetite wishing to stay,
After one hour or so, I got served by a Joe,
Who happened to be on half-pay.
I asked once again for a glass of champagne,
Till at last one more kind than the rest,
Brought a jug or a pail, filled with beer or sour ale,
Remarking it was’nt the best.
Murphy’s X in a jug, to my innocent mug,
Did’nt argue exactly the thing,
So once more in vain, I bawled out for champagne,
But no champagne did my bawling bring.
No drink could I get, my inside to wet,
Except Murphy’s beautiful beer;
So resolved to retreat from “ye Gods” such a treat,
And supper producing such cheer.
Shame, shame, was the cry, from low and from high,
To think how complete they were done,
The dancing did break, all our insides did ache,
And to dance with the gripes is no fun.
Good bye Charley Hack, and your darling Toorak,
’Tis clear you are on your last legs;
When again I attend your sweet Ball, may you send
Me nothing to drink but the dregs.
But take my advice, ere I leave ’twill suffice,
When again you attempt to be free,
Get a medicine chest, but a stomach pump’s best,
And a coroner for an M.D.
A
Source:
The Age (Melbourne, Vic.), 12 June 1855, p. 3
Editor’s notes:
Charley Hack = [see: Charles Hotham]
Charles Hotham = Sir Charles Hotham (1806-1855), an officer in the Royal Navy (UK), a Lieutenant-Governor, then Governor, of Victoria (1854-1855); he was born in Dennington (Suffolk, England) in 1806, came to Australia in 1854, and died in Melbourne in 1855
See: 1) B. A. Knox, “Hotham, Sir Charles (1806–1855)”, Australian Dictionary of Biography
2) “Charles Hotham”, Wikipedia
did’nt = an arguably incorrect but relatively widespread archaic form of “didn’t” (a contraction of “did not”)
ere = (archaic) before (from the Middle English “er”, itself from the Old English “aer”, meaning early or soon)
Joe = (slang) policeman; the term derives from Sir Charles Joseph La Trobe (1801-1875), who was referred to as “Charley Joe” (by impolite or disrespectful people); La Trobe was the Superintendent of the Port Phillip District (September 1839 to January 1851), then Lieutenant-Governor (January 1851 to May 1854) of the Colony of Victoria (the Port Phillip District separated from New South Wales on 1 July 1851, and became known as Victoria) (note: the head of the Victorian government was a Lieutenant-Governor, until the colony obtained responsible government in 1855, whereupon the title then became Governor)
M.D. = Doctor of Medicine; commonly abbreviated as M.D. (or MD), from the Latin “Medicinae Doctor” (meaning “Teacher of Medicine”)
mug = the face, hence the term “mug shot” for a police photograph of a person’s face (can also refer to a fool)
Sir Charles = [see: Charles Hotham]
’till = until (“until” is derived from the word “till”, both words have the same meaning, and both are grammatically acceptable; “until” was then abbreviated as “’til”, with an apostrophe added to indicate a contraction; however, “’till” was also used with an apostrophe, gaining some currency of usage in the 18th century, in the mistaken belief that it was also a contraction of “until”; till, until, and ’til are grammatically acceptable, whereas ’till is not)
See: 1) “Until, Till, ‘Til, or ‘Till?”, Merriam-Webster
2) “till”, Merriam-Webster
3) “till”, Online Etymology Dictionary [Old English “til”]
4) “until”, Online Etymology Dictionary
5) “On ’til and till and until”, Grammarphobia, 30 September 2006
6) “Episode 72: Until or Till” (Grammar Grater with Luke Taylor), Minnesota Public Radio
7) “Until, Till and Til: Which one is Correct?”, Holistic SEO, 5 December 2022 [“The terms “until,” “till,” and “til” are all correct forms”]
’tis = (archaic) a contraction of “it is”
’twas = (archaic) a contraction of “it was”
’twill = (archaic) a contraction of “it will”
Toorak = the name of the Government House (also known as “Toorak House”) in colonial Victoria (the first Governor to live and work there was Sir Charles Hotham, who occupied it in 1854); the suburb of Toorak (Victoria) is named after the Toorak estate
was’nt = an arguably incorrect but relatively widespread archaic form of “wasn’t” (a contraction of “was not”)
Leave a Reply