Josephus Riley [poem by Barcroft Boake]

[Editor: This poem by Barcroft Boake was published in Where the Dead Men Lie and Other Poems (1897).]

Josephus Riley

The rum was rich and rare:
There were wagers in the air:
The atmosphere was rosy, and the tongues were wagging free;
But one was in the revel
Whose occiput was level —
Plain Josephus Riley, from the North Countree!

The conversation’s flow
Was not devoid of blow,
And neither was it wanting in the mild, colloquial D.
With a most ingenuous smile,
‘This here is not my style,’
Said plain Josephus Riley, from the North Countree.

‘And I wouldn’t be averse
To emptying my purse,
And laying some small wager with the present companee:
To cut the matter short,
Foot-racing is my forte,’
Said plain Josephus Riley, from the North Countree.

‘I think it’s on the cards
I can run three hundred yards
(The match to be decided where you gentlemen agree)
Against your fleetest horse:
The race would prove a source
Of pleasure,’ said Josephus, from the North Countree.

‘To equalise the task,
This little start I ask:
The rider, ere he follows, must imbibe a cup of tea —
A simple breakfast-cup
He will have to swallow up.
That’s me! — Josephus Riley, from the North Countree.’

Then a knowing ’un looked wise —
Begged to apologise;
But might he ask what temp’rature the liquid was to be?
Would it come from out the pot
Milkless, steaming, boiling hot?
‘Oh, not at all!’ said Riley, from the North Countree.

‘Allow me to explain:
I do observe with pain
This jocular reflection on my native honestee.
My bump of truth is huge:
I’d scorn a subterfuge,’
Said plain Josephus Riley, from the North Countree.

‘Before the parties start
I’ll take the Judge apart
To prove, by tasting, whether I have tampered with the tea;
And I beg to state again
Your suspicions give me pain,’
Said plain Josephus Riley, from the North Countree.

Then they all were satisfied
That the match was ‘boneefied’:
The bond was signed, and Riley went to ‘preparate’ the tea;
But his slow, ambiguous smile
Would have seemed to token guile
In any man but Riley, from the North Countree.

He brought the fatal cup
By its saucer covered up:
The Judge examined its contents with awful gravitee;
Then read the papers o’er,
But could not find a flaw:
‘Wade in, Josephus Riley, from the North Countree!’

Then the wagerer just bowed,
And, passing through the crowd,
He handed up the beverage unto the wageree;
And off across the flat,
Springing gaily, pit-a-pat,
Went plain Josephus Riley, from the North Countree.

But behind him what a yell
Of execration fell
From lips that lent themselves to shapes of great profanitee!
For the people of that town
Were done a lovely brown
By plain Josephus Riley, from the North Countree.

And here’s the reason why:
The tea was simply DRY!
You might eat it, but to drink it was impossibilitee;
Yet, curious to state,
Men did not appreciate
This hum’rous innovation from the North Countree.

You’ll understand, of course,
That wager was a source
Of very little profit to the hapless wageree;
And, dating from that day,
I much regret to say
Men look askance at Riley, from the North Countree.

Source:
Barcroft Boake, Where the Dead Men Lie and Other Poems, Sydney (NSW): Angus and Robertson, 1897, pp. 13-18

Also published in:
The Bulletin (Sydney, NSW), 16 April 1892, p. 18, column 2 [by Barcroft H. Boake]
The Port Augusta and Quorn Dispatch, Newcastle and Flinders Chronicle (Port Augusta, SA), 10 September 1897, p. 3
The Ouyen Mail (Ouyen, Vic.), 14 August 1929, p. 2

Relevant notes from the “Notes to poems” section in this book:
4. JOSEPHUS RILEY, p. 13. — Printed in The Bulletin, April 16, 1892. Signed ‘Barcroft H. Boake.’

Editor’s notes:
bona fide = (Latin) “in good faith”, often used regarding offers that are made sincerely and in good faith (without fraud or deceit), or in relation to items that are genuine (i.e. not counterfeit or specious)

boneefied = (vernacular) bona fide [see: bona fide]

blow = (slang) boast

brown = to “do it brown” or “doing it brown” (or any variation of the phrase) is to do something beyond normal expectations, to exceed common expectations, to overdo something (the phrase may have been derived from overcooking meat to a deep brown colour)

bump = (in the context of phrenology) a bump, excrescence, protuberance, or protrusion on a human head, which theoretically would give an indication as to someone’s character traits and mental abilities

companee = (vernacular) company

ere = (archaic) before (from the Middle English “er”, itself from the Old English “aer”, meaning early or soon)

execration = the act of execrating (i.e. the act of cursing or denouncing), being an action motivated by strong feelings of dislike, disgust, or hatred, aimed towards someone or something which is regarded as an abomination, detestable, or loathsome

gravitee = (vernacular) gravity

honestee = (vernacular) honesty

hum’rous = (vernacular) humorous

impossibilitee = (vernacular) impossibility

North Countree = (vernacular) North Country

o’er = (archaic) over (pronounced the same as “oar”, “or”, and “ore”)

preparate = (vernacular) prepare

profanitee = (vernacular) profanity

temp’rature = (vernacular) temperature

’un = (vernacular) one (plural: ’uns) (can be spelt with or without an apostrophe)

wageree = someone who accepts a bet or wager

wagerer = someone who initiates or proposes a bet or wager