[Editor: This poem, by “Den” (C. J. Dennis), written for Valentine’s Day, was published in The Herald (Melbourne, Vic.), 15 February 1937.]
Modern Valentines
By “Den”
Yesterday, February 14th, was St. Valentine’s Day; but the old custom of the exchange of valentines between lovers has fallen into disuse through failure to bring the valentine up to date.
FROM HIM TO HER
Hey! You!
Dare say you know
I’ve fallen hard
For that dead pan of yours.
No need to shout it.
So, kid,
I’m posting you this little card.
Don’t want to be a bore,
But what about it?
You seem to have a map
That doesn’t jar,
A spot of brains,
A sunny disposition.
I’m not too foul a chap;
I’ve got a car;
But feel fed up
Of my unhitched condition.
Thought that a fly at double
Might enhance it.
So, if not too much trouble,
Shall we chance it?
Briefly, and cutting out the mushy line,
Will you, old turnip, be my Valentine?
FROM HER TO HIM
Fishface,
Of all the sheiks
In my young life
You hate yourself the least.
Why all the drivel?
You need a microphone, lad,
Not a wife,
To mop up all that sentimental drivel.
Your Valentine? Help!
Can’t you be your age?
Why all the sloppy surge;
The fond insistence?
If you deem me still coy,
At this late stage,
Why do you think I’ve noticed your existence?
Frankly,
Poor unsophisticated blob,
I’ve had you definitely tabbed
For ages.
So, if you think you can hold down your job
And, maybe, get a decent rise in wages,
I’ll recondition you. So let’s get rid
Of all the cackle. Make it snappy, kid!
Source:
The Herald (Melbourne, Vic.), 15 February 1937, p. 6
Also published in:
The Queenslander Illustrated Weekly (Brisbane, Qld.), 9 February 1938, p. 3
Editor’s notes:
chap = man, bloke, fellow; a male (usually referring to an adult ale; if the term “chap” is used to refer to a young male, it is normally accompanied by a qualifying word, e.g. “little chap”, “young chap”)
dead pan = (also spelt: dead-pan, deadpan) an appearance or look which is deliberately blank, emotionless, expressionless, or impassive; using an emotionless expression whilst conveying a message, giving some information, passing on some important news, or making a comedic delivery (e.g. when informing people of bad news; when telling a joke, playing a comedic role, or being humorous in a dry style); displaying no emotion on one’s face, or in one’s manner, when talking to, or engaging with, another person or persons [in the context of this poem, “dead pan” is referring to a face]
kid = a younger adult, usually used in an affectionate or friendly manner (can also refer to a young child)
valentine = a Valentine’s Day card; a greeting card, gift, message, or token (anonymous or signed) which expresses affection, attraction, or love, which is sent to a lover, sweetheart, or the object of one’s affection on the occasion of Saint Valentine’s Day (14th February); someone who is the recipient or sender of a Valentine’s Day card, gift, message, or token; one’s lover or sweetheart
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